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My Life (By Ellie)

April 6, 2010

Since my dum dum mommy has for whatever lame reason not posted in, like, 4 months (that’s about 3 weeks to you humanz), she said I could fill in and write a guest post.  So here I am, in all my canine wisdom, to edify you about what it is like to be a dog.  Or, more specifically, the dog I am.

I know that my mommy has written here about me before, but I don’t know where she gets off speaking for me.  I mean, that was some like kind of unauthorized biography or something.  I do love her and all – as much as a dog can “love”- but no one asked for my inputs.  So now that she seems to be blowing off her blogging duties, it is my chance to step (or prance) in and tell you the whole thuths.

I am a Schnoodle who will be turning 5 this September.  Eight weeks after I was brought into this cruel world, along with my long-lost sister, I have been fed and exercised and loved up by my mommy and daddy.  I don’t remember this, but every once and awhile I hear my parents reminiscing about the day they picked me up from those asshole breeders:  I was shivering with fear in my kennel all snuggled up to my sister.  My parents were concerned about how scared I was but the asshole breeder dude wearing his tie-dye shirt didn’t give a rat’s ass.  I also hear my mommy and daddy talking about how excited they were to bring me home, how carefully they prepared, almost like they were bringing one of those yucky human baby things home.  That first day after I climbed and peed all over everything, my parents put me in a kennel for the night and oh, how I howled!  It wasn’t until mommy finally thought of the parrots and put a towel over my kennel that I shut the hell up.

Soon, the first snow came.  I didn’t know what that cold stuff was.  Mommy took me up the block and I didn’t like it so I scrambled up her leg and she put me inside her coat.  I soon grew to like the snow and I loved to go outside and frolic and prance and dance as much as I could.  Mommy hung a bell on the front door I was supposed to ring every time I needed to go outside to do my duties.  I quickly learned that if I rang the bell every 15 minutes or so, I it was party time.  I could actually muster up enough piddle to make it look like I couldn’t hold my bladder too!  It took quite a few months for my humanz to realize I was just playing them!  Those bastards cut back my piddle excursions from about 10 a day to just 3.  Assholes!

I slept in my kennel at night and when my parents weren’t home during the day for the first 6 months or so.  Eventually, they wanted me to sleep on their big bed at night with them.  I didn’t see the point of that so I went back to my kennel.  Pretty soon tho, I figured out that the big bed was an awesome place to be, even when my parents were doing all manner of weird funny business.  I just waited until they were done.  Now, the big bed is my most favorite place be.

I’ll tell you some more junk about me later, like how my mommy got all obsessed with being my “Pack Leader” (ack) and how I freak out whenever she reaches for an ice-cube or a plastic storage container and just how AWESOME squirrels and bunnies and tennis balls are!  Also, how my daddy thinks he is the boss of me and when he plays video games I run away.  That is, if mommy doesn’t revoke my guest writing privileges.

Later, peeps.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2010 3:57 pm

    Wow, nice post, Ellie!

    It’s nice to finally see some decent writing on this site!

  2. April 6, 2010 3:58 pm

    By the way, please tell your Mommy to update her blogroll to Daddydan.COM. Thanks, Ellie!

  3. Molly permalink
    January 4, 2011 7:10 pm

    Ellie, please tell your mommy to come back and post! Thanks!!

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