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I Do Not Want To Be That Person

December 18, 2009

As I get closer and closer to the realization that I am probably not going to have a baby of my own, I find myself becoming terrified: not terrified of being childless, but terrified of being that person.  You know that person: the stick-up-their-arse prude who throws dirty looks at the screaming kids running around the restaurant; the crabby-pants who glares at the bawling baby on an airplane; the prude who fumes about the parents who brought their kids to the party even though children were not invited (or the parents who couldn’t attend the party because Jr. has a sniffle); the asshat who listens to stories of little Ethel’s pooping frequency with a glazed look in the eye; the colostomy bag who shakes their fist at the children in the neighborhood and yells at them to “Stay off my lawn!”  No, I do not want to be that person.

I am going to be completely honest here:  a part of me is jealous of people with small children.  What do I do when I get jealous?  I subconsciously create my own little episode of cognitive dissonance: because I want a baby and don’t have one, I hate babies.  Anyone who ever had a baby sucks and all dirty, wailing, stinky babies suck.  Anyone who drones on about how cute and smart their fugly, dumb children are needs to find something more interesting to talk about.  Parents who bring their ankle-biters out in public need to keep them at home where they belong and stop annoying all the rest of us grown ups who really don’t care about your spawn.

I am most resentful of bad parents: the ones who walk really fast and expect their toddler’s wee legs to keep up with them; the ones who scream at their kids in the grocery store to “Shut up” when the child asks for a treat and then yells even more when the poor kid starts crying; the ones who think there is something wrong with their child when all the child is doing is being a child.  Why did these people get to reproduce when I can’t?

I realize this all makes me sound like a horrible, spiteful person.  I hope that these thoughts that sometimes creep into my head are temporary: part of the grieving process of the loss of a dream; a stage I am going through, like when your parent dies and you are jealous of all your friends who still have a mom and a dad.  Eventually, I will get over it.  Because I really do like children.  I don’t want to think I liked them all along only because I thought I would have one of my own one day.  Besides that, all of my friends have children so if I allowed myself to hate them I would end up pretty lonely.

But this is the final prospect that frightens me the most, the one that wakes me up at night in a cold sweat: if I don’t have a baby, I can never become  a “Mommy Blogger.”  There are only so many posts I can write about my dog.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. carrieb permalink
    December 19, 2009 2:09 pm

    Did you ever see the movie Parenthood? The Keanu Reeves character says to the Diane Wiest character something like…you have to go to school to be a plumber or a doctor, but any schmo can become a father…I thought of this movie as you were discussing bad parents.

    • mjjaaska permalink*
      December 19, 2009 10:26 pm

      I did see that movie and I have long felt the same way!

  2. December 23, 2009 1:34 am

    I love reading your blogs, the entries are all very entertaining to me. My favorite part of this blog post (besides the fact that I identify with mostly all of it) is the fact that this is the second time you’ve used one of my favorite words: asshat. I thought I was one of only a handful of people who used this wonderfully colorful word.

    Thank you, as always, for the smile. :)

    • mjjaaska permalink*
      December 23, 2009 9:58 pm

      Thank YOU, Stephen! You, my friend, are no asshat! I sincerely appreciate your positive feedback (more than you know).

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