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The Dog Walker: Lessons Learned

October 28, 2009


I have walked my dog at least 30 minutes a day for 4 years.  Well, not every day because I am lazy and like to guilt my husband into walking her; but at least 4 days a week and sometimes twice a day.  Walking my dog around our neighborhood has taught me many lessons about society.  Here are a few things I have learned:

  • People who don’t walk don’t see pedestrians.  They don’t seem to realize that human beings actually inhabit the sidewalks.  They stop their cars in the crosswalk waiting to make a turn, they park on the sidewalk, they don’t wait for pedestrians to finish crossing before they drive through the intersection.  People who don’t walk anywhere are selfish bastards.
  • People are very friendly and say hello to you if you are walking with a dog or a child, even if you are wearing headphones and have no idea they are talking to you.
  • Many people don’t draw their shades and seem shocked to find you staring in their windows.  Close your damn shades then, people.
  • People don’t seem to realize that not all dogs are fond of children or humans in general and get all indignant when they suddenly run up behind you and your dog tries to bite them.
  • You can usually tell which houses for sale will sell the quickest just by their “curb appeal.”  Some sit on the market for years and you kind of feel bad for them but wonder why the owner doesn’t replace the siding or fix the broken window pane but by that time you are on another block and you don’t care anymore.
  • Some people don’t mind if your dog craps on their lawn and others are all, “Get that damn dog off my lawn!” and I am all, “She’s not doing anything and if she does I’ll clean it up so fuck off!” and they are all, “I’m going to call the police!” and I am all, “Go ahead, call them, asshat!” then my dog and I run off.
  • One should always carry a poop bag and a spare because you never know when nature is going to call twice and you don’t want to be caught lying by that damn person who just yelled at you to get off their lawn.
  • It is amazing how many dog owners don’t clean up after their pets.  Not me, of course.
  • Young men driving in cars with their bass turned up really loud are douches.
  • Dog walkers are sort of a club and we are all expected to nod and say hello to one another.  Much like being Black.
  • Teenagers have no sense of personal space.
  • A lot of people allow their small children to play in their front yards unsupervised, thereby making me feel like a creepy child-toucher when I walk by and smile and the kid gives me a dirty look then scurries inside.
  • People should not own a house if they aren’t going to shovel the sidewalk or mow the lawn.  People are pigs.
  • Mail carriers are justified in being wary of dogs.
  • People act like you are a crazy stalker if you tell them you walk past their house all the time and it is very pretty.
  • At any given time, there are an inordinate number of unknown edible items laying on the ground that dogs invariably find and eat.
  • In the absence of a garbage can every 5 feet, people will toss anything onto the ground including a slipper, a Yaz box, and a condom wrapper (all found outside an alternative high school: go figure).
  • Crows are really scary and want to eat your dog.  This isn’t so much about society, but it is true nonetheless.

There you have it.  Now sally forth and if you see me and my dog out for a walk, feel free to nod at me but please don’t run over us in your car.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. carrieb permalink
    October 28, 2009 11:32 pm

    Everything you say is true! I have three dogs….we carry many pooper-scooper bags.

    • mjjaaska permalink*
      October 29, 2009 3:01 am

      Thanks Carrie! I think we would be in bankruptcy if we had to buy poop bags for THREEE dogs! Our girl has taken to doing #2 twice each night for some reason so spares have been a necessity.

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